Joy After Pain

A very close friend of mine is a missionary in a hostile country where they still have the death penalty for converting to Christianity. He and I talk often and encourage one another in the work that we do. A while back, I shared with him my frustrations at the lack of fruit that I was seeing in the church God has graciously allowed me to serve. Today, while walking to work, I was able to share with Him about the goodness of God in allowing me to finally see fruit. However, the journey was not easy.

Pastoring has been the most difficult thing and the most painful thing I have ever done. By God’s grace, I have been in the ministry for twenty years and at Antioch for over sixteen of those years. I have often likened my job to waking up every morning and choosing to shove my face in a hornet’s nest. If I am perfectly honest, some days I would rather do that than what God has called me to do. Antioch is filled with some of the most amazing people I have ever met, yet the past sixteen years have been more painful than I could ever convey.

2022-2023 was the most painful year in the ministry by far for me. I suffered burnout, betrayal, slander, and a host of other issues all wrapped into the biggest leadership crisis of my life. To say I reached the point of wanting to resign is not even close to the reality. I wanted to leave the ministry for good and never attend any church again for the rest of my life. It was a daily thought not a momentary crisis. The pain had become so great that I was constantly asking myself why I was doing this.

The more I prayed, the worse things became. Crisis after crisis crashed on me like waves on the beach. Each time I thought I could not take anymore, things only got worse. I became like a zombi. I would often work upwards of ninety hours a week. Some nights I only got three hours of sleep. Most nights whatever sleep I had was spent tossing and turning. The stress was unbelievable. I reached the point where I could not remember people’s names who I had known for a decade. I was on the verge of checking myself in the hospital because my body was about to completely break down.

Worse than the physical torment was the spiritual. In my weakened state it became hard for me to distinguish friend from foe. Who was calling me to repentance because they loved my soul? Who was falsely accusing me because they wanted to destroy me? I couldn’t tell. I was so broken that I could not distinguish which voice was of God and which was of Satan. I would pray and pray and pray, yet God seemed farther and farther away.

By God’s grace, several men in my church noticed I was not doing well and stepped in to help. I would not be here if it was not for Wayne, Bob, Wesley, Gabe, Jake, Will, Larry, Keith, Anthony, and a host of other men and women who loved on me and my family during this time. However, even though they stepped up, all that happened was the crisis went from private to public. This meant that attacks and slander that had been in private were now made public, even in front of my children.

To say that it was a horrible time in my life is an understatement. A wise woman in our church recommended that I receive counseling from her in-laws. I still remember meeting with Bob and Joan for the first time over Zoom. They asked Lydia how things were going, and all she said was, “I want my husband back.” I had become a shell of a human being. I went to Georgia for two days of the most intensive counseling I have ever received. By God’s grace it was exactly what I needed and brought tremendous healing and clarity.

Lydia carried the load while I was down. She later told me that her goal was just to make it until I could go to Georgia and get help. However, by the time I returned, her body had literally given out because of the stress. I came home to a wife who overnight had developed what appeared to be the most aggressive case of arthritis you could get in your 30’s. Every joint in her body became frozen within a 24-hour time span. I had to literally carry her upstairs, lift her into the bed, roll her over, etc. By God’s grace, a good friend and doctor, Gerald, came over to the house and personally oversaw her medical care. Within a few months all symptoms went completely away.

The crisis in the church had finally come to a resolution. Miraculously, we did not lose a single member through the crisis other than those who had been part of creating the crisis. I finally breathed a sigh of relief. Going to church was still painful for me, yet there was a peace in our church that I had never felt before. A true Shalom had settled over the congregation. Now I would finally see fruit. I had been faithful, and God would reward it. Or so I thought.

In some ways, the next few months were even more painful, yet in a different way. Pain can be fast and acute, and pain can also be a thousand little papercuts over time. Over the next year, numerous people left our church. Yes, they had stayed and fought through the crisis. No, they were not leaving because of what happened. All their reasons were good. Many who had been driving an hour one way found a good church closer to home. Others moved to plant churches. Many found churches that were a better fit for their family. All the reasons were good! I began to dread each week because it seemed like every phone call was another person leaving.

On top of this, we also entered into the biggest financial crisis our church had faced since I became pastor. It was no one’s fault; there were no big issues. Inflation, delayed maintenance, etc. just all caught up with us at once. In all honesty, with what we had just come through it really wasn’t that big of a deal. The deal was an inner struggle that I believe all pastors have. When have I brought the church as far as I am able? When is the time to hand the reigns off to someone else? Is my time here done?

Throughout this entire time, I never felt that God was calling me elsewhere. (The truth be told, many times I was too numb to feel anything at all.) By God’s grace I persevered. There was a lot of praying and pleading with God, yet there was still very little fruit. A person would come to faith, and I would rejoice thinking that finally this was it! However, these things came in short spurts. Every soul is precious, so through this time the Lord taught me to not despise the day of small things (Zechariah 4:10.) I learned to rejoice in the smallest of movements by the Spirit. God taught me contentment, gratitude, and patience. He showed me over and over again my failures, shortcomings, lack of gifts, sins, and flaws.

Close to two months ago, I was about to pray with my prayer partner and friend, Brice, when Lydia texted me. She told me to call Jenny before we prayed. I called to find out that two of her daughters had been saved! When I got home that night it was clear that the Spirit of God was working on my own children. Two of my sons were saved that night as well. A third son was saved a few weeks later. That Sunday another young man was saved. Then another five professed faith! As I sit typing this, I have a full week ahead of me. This time it is not dreaded meetings where I am yelled at and attacked. They are meetings with individuals and families who desire to join our church.

Over the last few months, our budget crisis seems to have been resolved. We are seeing the most conversions, baptisms, and new members that I have ever experienced in my 20 years of ministry. I literally have weeks of meetings lined up for people to join the church. We have the highest volunteer involvement that we have ever had. There is a peace and an excitement in our church that I have never felt! In short, I am seeing the fruit I have prayed for for so long! Even more exciting than this is that I am seeing fruit in the bud. Many wayward prodigals are beginning to show signs of God’s grace! Are they home yet? No. But I will rejoice in every sign I see that God is seeking out His own.

How long will this season last? It could end today. That is the reality of life. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. By God’s grace I will bless the Lord when He takes and when He gives. That being said, it is nice to not have a hornet’s nest in my face for a few weeks!

Why am I telling you all of this? Because our God is worthy to be praised. Jesus Christ is worthy of all the glory. He sustains us through the darkest valleys, and He must be exalted! I am created to proclaim His greatness to all of creation, and I cannot be silent after all that Jesus has done for me. Rejoice with me over the goodness of God!

I am also writing this to encourage you. As I told my missionary friend this morning, if he remains faithful God will grant fruit. It may take 16 years, but it will come. Don’t quit. Don’t give up on God. I know that the wayward child is not restored yet, so do not give up until they are! We are in this for the long haul. Don’t quit. Stay faithful. God will move; your job is to stay faithful until He does.

You may have been hurt in church. I guarantee you I have been hurt worse. Yet here I am, by the grace of God loving and forgiving the people who hurt me. Your family may have been hurt in the church. Have you ever had to carry your wife up the stairs because of what took place in church? Lydia is still here with her sweet spirit and beautiful smile. But here is the simple truth; it wasn’t the church that hurt me or my family. It wasn’t God that was not there for me. It was actually quite the opposite. It was only a few people that hurt me and my family. Literally 98+% of the church handled the situation perfectly.

Words fail me to speak of the kindness and love the people of Antioch showered on me and my family. The love that was shown to my wife and children is truly beyond belief. I cannot thank Paula, Lindsey, Katrine, Samantha, and Jenny enough for the love they showed my wife. They all came through when she needed it most.

You see, even though my hurt took place at church it was not the church that hurt me! It is so easy to blame everyone for the sins of a few. However, the church did not even know what was going on. When they found out, they fixed the problem, and they fixed it fast. Perhaps it is the same with you? Please don’t judge everyone based upon the actions of a few. In fact, “everyone knew” is generally not a true statement. Most churchgoers do not actually know what happened to you. Even as a pastor I have had people leave the church hurt, and to this day I still do not know what happened.

Would you turn back to Jesus and His church? It is not too late! Antioch and other local churches are here with open arms to welcome you back or welcome you for the first time! Yes, you were hurt. The truth be told, I may have been the one that hurt you. Please give me the opportunity to apologize! I constantly talk to people in our community who have left Antioch over people who are no longer here. They view our church as the exact same that it was years ago. It simply isn’t true. Do not judge the current members of your local church based upon what someone else did years ago.

I am also writing this to praise God for the love of His church! Countless pastors stood with me through this, praying for me and giving me great advice. The people of my church loved me and my family in ways that I still have a hard time comprehending. If you love Jesus, please love His people. Do not be scared to press into people. I am forever grateful to those who did for me! Do not give up on people. Jesus never gave up on you. Be there for your pastor and for everyone else in your church. Check in on them. Pray for them.

Following Jesus is painful. After all, He did promise us a cross. Yet it is so worth it! He is worth all the pain. Do not quit, weary Christian. Do not give up on the church! I know you see little fruit. I know it hurts. Trust me, I know. Keep pushing on!

“Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.” (Psalm 30:5)